When Words Fail: Navigating Workplace Support Through Empathy and Compassion

IP Lifeline From Infection Control Today

Tragedy is a universal experience, but when it strikes someone we know, we may find ourselves at a loss for words. When someone on your team or inside your organization experiences tragedy, what do you say when there are no words?

This question has been top of mind as I check in with friends and colleagues who recently experienced their second hurricane in a few weeks. What do you say to a coworker who has lost their home or a loved one?

More broadly, what do you say when a member of your team shares that they have been diagnosed with cancer or the quality director shares that they are going through a difficult divorce?

We have been taught that the socially appropriate thing to say when there is a death is, “I am sorry for your loss.”When there is a tragedy, “I am so sorry to hear you are going through this,” or “Please know that I'm here for you if you need anything.”While these social norms are intended to help us navigate uncomfortable situations and say something that may cause unintended harm, they can also feel hollow. Also, while these social norms help us navigate brief social situations, they do not prepare us for the broader workplace. How do we show up for each other professionally when the work still needs to get done?

Showing empathy for grieving coworker

(Image credit to the author by AI)

Reflecting on this, I wondered why we struggle to find words. If we haven't personally experienced a similar loss, we may not feel we fully comprehend the extent of their pain or the impact of their loss, leading us to say something that inadvertently minimizes their suffering. So, how do we move past this to a place where we can feel comfortable sitting with a colleague’s grief and still do the work? It starts with empathy and compassion for them and us, and accepting loss and tragedy are part of the human condition.

Step 1:

Understanding how to navigate this situation in the workplace begins with honestly evaluating your familiarity with the person and the dynamics of your professional relationship. While grief is a shared human experience, tailoring your interactions and communication to the context of your professional relationship is essential.

Here are a few factors to consider:

• Nature of the relationship: Consider whether your relationship is primarily professional or personal. If it's more personal, you can offer more emotional support or share personal experiences. If it's primarily professional, your interactions may focus on providing practical support or ensuring their well-being at work.
• Shared experiences: If you have shared experiences or challenges, you may be able to relate to the coworker's situation more deeply. This can make it easier to offer empathy and understanding.
• Cultural differences: Be mindful of cultural differences that may influence how the coworker experiences grief or loss. This can help you tailor your approach to be culturally sensitive and respectful.
• Individual preferences: Some people prefer to talk about their feelings, while others prefer to distract themselves. Respect the coworker's personal preferences and avoid making assumptions.

Step 2:

Consider how to tailor communication and interactions based on the nature of your professional connection.

1. Work friend: Offer emotional support, express empathy, validate feelings, respect privacy, and respect personal boundaries.
2. Work acquaintance: Provide practical support, maintain a supportive presence, respect personal boundaries, check in, and respect their privacy.
3. Colleague: Respect their privacy, respect personal boundaries, provide practical support, maintain a supportive presence, and give them time.
4. Manager: Respect their privacy, respect personal and professional boundaries, provide practical support, maintain a supportive presence, and give them time.
5. Direct report: Respect their privacy, respect personal and professional boundaries, provide practical support, maintain a supportive presence, give them time, connect with them necessary resources and support to cope with their loss, and check in.

While each type of relationship may have many of the same themes, how you initially approach communications and interactions will differ. Supporting a grieving colleague requires a combination of doing and being.

Regardless of the nature of the work relationship, being uncomfortable and simply being with them is empathy. In its purest form, empathy is the ability to understand others' viewpoints as their reality, acknowledge their emotions, and refrain from judgment.

Empathy may look different depending on the nature of the work relationship. For a fellow team member, this might mean offering to help with an upcoming deadline when they return to work after attending a loved one's funeral. For a stakeholder, it may mean respecting their preference to focus on work, respecting their boundaries, and giving them space when needed.

Step 3:

Respect their privacy and professional boundaries: Everyone experiences and copes with loss differently. Allow your colleagues to lead the conversation and share what they are comfortable with. Please refrain from asking questions on the logistics of the loss or how they are doing. By asking questions, your co-worker is placed in a situation where they may feel pressured to share details they are uncomfortable with. By asking how they are doing, it may be received as being insensitive to their loss or judging their grief. Instead, consider saying, “You (and your family) are in my thoughts,” or “You have been missed.” These statements allow you to be empathetic and provide a natural endpoint to the conversation.

Providing practical support: Before offering practice support, consider your current workload and how you might best support your colleague. If you are collaborating on a shared project, would it be value-added to offer to fill them on what they missed and current action items? If they have outstanding deliverables to you, such as a corrective action or a shared project, consider offering to extend a due date. If a deliverable is time-sensitive, consider asking them if there is another contact on their team you might connect with or connecting with their supervisor on how best to proceed.

Maintaining a supportive presence: There is no set time frame for grief or loss, and each individual path is different. A coworker who just lost their home to a natural disaster and is currently unhoused is going to experience the process differently than a coworker who suddenly lost a relative in a car accident.

Regardless of the logistics of the loss, everybody navigates grief on their own timeline. Be sensitive, as grief is not a linear process, and each person handles it differently in the workplace. When you connect with them, note their body language and how they show up in the conversation or interaction. Use verbal and nonverbal communication to help guide how you show up. Allow your co-worker to take the lead. If appropriate and you are comfortable, consider sharing condolences outside of an official work interaction through email, text, or in-person check-in. Ask them how you can best support them and check in with them periodically. Even if you are uncomfortable with their loss, try not to avoid or ignore them while they are grieving.

Checking-in: Often, when someone is actively experiencing loss or tragedy, they may not know what they need or may not need anything specific. Universally, when we are grieving, we do not want to be treated differently or avoided because of it. We want compassion, empathy, and the time and space to grieve. When checking in, reflect on what you feel comfortable with and how you can best show up for your colleague. Those co-workers who want to go on with business as usual may appreciate you adding normalcy to your interactions. Maybe that looks like trash-talking the game last night or discussing the relationship dynamics from the newest reality dating show. Perhaps you have experienced a similar loss and feel comfortable sharing that with your coworker. Perhaps you know they love pumpkin-spiced lattes, and a coffee shop is on campus. When checking in, it is important to hold the space they are in with them and show up for them in a way you both feel good about.

Personal Boundaries: When checking in with a grieving coworker, be mindful of their personal boundaries. Consider carefully what you ask, the information you share, and the information they are willing to share at work. Any information they share with you is private and confidential unless they explicitly give you permission to share it. Let the grieving coworker lead the conversation, sharing only what they feel comfortable discussing. Remember, they may be going through one of the most difficult times in their life. Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding and be prepared to offer support however they need.

When someone is grieving, one of the most difficult things for us to do is simply be present with them in their pain. Our instinct is often to fix or solve their problem. However, as we grieve, what we often need most is to know that we are not alone and have the time and space to process our emotions without judgment. Sometimes, the best thing to do when words fail is to simply be there, sharing in the universal human experience of grief. This is true in our personal and professional worlds.